Thursday, December 18, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 18, 2014

The carrot hadn't seen any friends for days since he was taken from the crisper. He was overjoyed to find another carrot, though oddly colored, so near to him. Unfortunately, the icicle was a real stuck up jackass and melted alone and bitter at the world, never making a connection to anyone else. Truly a life wasted.

Wednesday, December 17, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 17, 2014

It's okay, the icicles did not fall to their death, two small boys came along and used them as swords until after immense pain, they broke into dozens of pieces and were eaten by a neighbor's dog.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 11, 2014

Frosty was fined $2,000 for this offense, which he could not pay as he had no money, employment or even identification. He was arrested and put in jail for the night. Although no one can explain how Frosty escaped that night. The only things found in his cell the next morning was a hat, a button a couple of pieces of coal and a puddle of water.

An APB was put out against Frosty and a $5,000 reward for his capture was issued. To date, no one has collected that reward.

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 10, 2014

The delivery man took back the pizza and returned with a very hot pizza kept warm in a portable oven. The main toppings of that second pizza was saliva and urine.

Tuesday, December 9, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 9, 2014

The downfall of the alphabet was that the the "O" was a double agent and was really a "0".

"The numerals were sadly outnumbered, but the letters quickly voided their vowels."

Monday, December 8, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 8, 2014

This was only the beginning, soon the trees started taking back all the wood they had lost over the years. Houses were ripped down to their foundations, books were ripped from children's hands and artsy rich people's reclaimed wooden benches were ironically reclaimed.

Thursday, December 4, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 4, 2014

Oozy the Trash-Man terrorized the town until around midnight a racoon knocked him over and dislodged his hat.

Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 3, 2014

The elf got his revenge on Christmas Eve when he was put in charge of attaching the flank straps to the reindeer. Rudolph and his little brother Randolph has one uncomfortable night of Jingle Balls.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- December 1, 2014

The witch once again questioned her life choices. If she had gone with the liverwurst house the giant child never would have bothered her. After all normal sized starving children in the woods would still eat liverwurst if there was no other option.

Friday, November 28, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 28, 2014

After having been together their whole lives the two halves of bagel split up to evade their chaser. In the chaos they never found one another again. One half met and married a lovely baguette, while the other met an emotionally needy and fragile crepe. They became so co-dependent they never left the safety of the breadbox without one another. They sickened their friends to the point that they never had visitors anymore and died in each other arms after mold completely ravaged their bodies. Mold of course being cancer to food.

Thursday, November 27, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 27, 2014

The human boxer need not to have been so worried. The squid was not merely known for having a "glass jaw", but known for having no jaw at all. One connecting hit and the squid would literally turn to jelly in the ring. 

Wednesday, November 26, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 26, 2014

The skeleton was quite shocked to hear that he had Osteoporosis. Though he was understandably upset by this news, he was more aggravated by his doctor who kept laughing and saying, "It's ironic isn't it? You know, since you are all bone!"

Mostly he was aggravated by his doctor's lack of understanding as to the definition of "irony".

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 25, 2014

Although she escaped the wolf, the prolonged skin contact with the capsaicin in the hot sauce irritated her eyes and gave her terrible burns over 3/4 of her body.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 24, 2014

The tourists did not sit well with the Mountain and he ended up vomiting them and the entire contents of his stomach. This is what science-type people call a volcanic eruption... There you just learned science.

Friday, November 21, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 21, 2014

The rat made a fortune off the mole's disability. With this success he opened an animal optician office, that specialized in contact lens for flies and other insects with compound eyes. At $30 for 30 lens and a fly having 4,000 lens per eye he would bring in at least $8,000 per customer visit.

The rat wanted for nothing he owned sports cars, multiple houses, swimming pools, sports teams (Ottawa Rats Hockey Team) and much much more. That was until the day a female rat showed up with her 313 offspring that she could prove was his after a wild one year fling in a Havana Smoke Shop dumpster.

Thursday, November 13, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 13, 2014

The prince wasn't shocked in a bad way. In fact the only reason he was climbing the wall for a princess in the first place was that he was expected to. If he didn't pursue a princess he would have been cast out of the kingdom. Truth is he was a Chicken looking for an Auntie the whole time, and was thrilled with the discovery.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 12, 2014

The Vampire Tooth Fairy had a difficult job. In addition to the obvious workplace hazards, when it rained her suit would seize up and she would fall from the sky. That usually meant at least three weeks of time off to get better. The fairy union had a lousy benefit package so there was no income either. That often led to Tooth Fairies getting into the drug trade. Once in, most fairies did not return to tooth collecting, other then from their meth clients.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 11, 2014

The swimmer then went to his lawyer in order to file a class action lawsuit against the sun, the cloud and his neighbor, the owner of the pool. Upon arriving at his lawyer's office he realized that due to how quickly the temperature went below freezing, he was for some reason the only person left alive on earth. he spend the rest of his life eating ice cream, the only food readily available until he died in his sleep suffocating on his own neck fat.

Monday, November 10, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 10, 2013

As further insult the man let his pet kitten play with the string in front of the Frankenstein monster's head. Then like all cats around decaying things, little Mr. Muffins ate his face.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 5, 2014

It's always odd to watch a cookie eating a living thing. Funny yes, but also odd.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 4, 2014

Everyone should remember that there is a pile of unused body parts at the corner of Rideau and First Streets. You know, in case you are in need.

Monday, November 3, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- November 3, 2014

The worst part of burning a Stick Man (apart from the screaming that is), is that he burns so quickly. You have to go through a number of stick men to roast a marshmallow. And that's why the Stick Man is an endangered culture.

Friday, October 31, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 31, 2014

Who I feel for most in this situation is the barber. He obviously had to keep the shop open late that night as this customer came in at closing, and had to stay yet another hour later, just to sweep up all the hair on the floor.  Also the werewolf didn't have any money, so the poor schlub lost money that night.

Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 29, 2014

Once being content to taunting old ladies and men who were unable to conceive their own children, the Gingerbread Man felt he could do more with his life. He started slowly with local charity races, but quickly moved up to half marathons and finally the pinnacle of all marathons, the Boston Marathon. He finished an impressive second place. As he was celebrating at the finish line, the third place winner who had eaten too much at breakfast and was about to throw up gobbled him up knowing ginger is a natural remedy for nausea. The story ends happily, the third place winner 9now second place winner) did not toss his cookies.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 28, 2014

Superman flew backwards reversing time to a point where Plastic Man was stuck in the Cretaceous period. Though dinosaurs were unable to digest gum, as their bodies were not adapted to handle it, each dinosaur tried to eat Plastic Man. And thus their extinction was brought about. IT'S SCIENCE, PEOPLE!

Monday, October 27, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 27, 2014

Like any of us the birthday mummy would enjoy the streamers until it was time to remove them. Tape would peel off parts of his legs and his hands would be stained with the cheap ink used to colour the damned things. Plus his mummified cat would be throwing up neon hairballs for weeks afterwards. 

Friday, October 24, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 24, 2014

Any humanoid onlooker of "Cakeland" would be thrown into hysterics, weeping uncontrollably while their bowels released simultaneously,  as the sexy cake burst out of the person 30 seconds from now.

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 23, 2014

What really pissed off the Frankenstein monster is that the girl insisted on watching "The Munsters" and "The Hilarious House of Frightenstein" which quite frankly (no pun intended) were horribly demeaning depiction of reanimated flesh. Though he had to admit the parts with Vincent Price were pretty good.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 22, 2014

Johnny was just relieved his friend only needed to do a "number one". Have you ever seen a werewolf poop? You need a Glad Hefty Bag for that stuff.

Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Monday, October 20, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 20, 2014

And little Susy was the only one that survived the zombie apocalypse. See that's the problem with society today! Has anyone ever stopped to just ask a zombie what he wants? Nooo! Next time just hug a zombie.

Friday, October 17, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 17, 2014

From that point on the Paramecium always wore shorts while he showered, thus insuring his junk stunk.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 16, 2014

After retrieving his humerus bone, the skeleton never did find radius or ulna bones, though he got pretty excited one day while reading an IKEA catalog. The ulna there turned out to be a love seat.

Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 15, 2014

It was bad enough that the young hip vampires of the Twilight series, True Blood and Vampire Diaries laughed at his old ways, but this last mishap firmly put him in the same grouping of vampires as Count Chocula and Count von Count from Seasame Street.

Thursday, October 9, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 9, 2014

It took seventeen hours and the jaws of life to separate the two cephalopods. On the bright side the  offspring of this accidental tryst became famous as the lead in the Syfy original television movie, "Octoquid".

Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 8, 2014

The worst part of this tragedy was that Stan was a strict Jew and as such his body should never have been preserved.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 7, 2014

At 200psi every bone in the redheaded kid's body as well as every internal organ was completely destroyed. The firefighter was put in paid suspension for a month, which got him caught up on "Walking Dead".

Monday, October 6, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 6, 2014

Even though the eventually scoliosis would take it's toll on the Toothfairy, she nevertheless thought it was a good deal, as coins were yet to be invented.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 3, 2014

The ghost fell head over heels in love with the towel, until one day he found out that she not only had a matching partner, but a number of face cloths and hand towels with that partner. Feeling betrayed the ghost attempted suicide, but to no avail. After all he had committed suicide 20 years earlier and that's what got him in this damned mess in the first place.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 2, 2014

The mother kangaroo felt trapped by her offspring. Sure they were good kids, but even with that many good kids a mother will burn out. Every day it was a teeth gritting countdown to 6:00 when the father kangaroo would get home. Although he was old school and would sit in his chair reading the evening paper and drinking a gin and tonic, at least she knew that for a precious 14 hours she wouldn't be the only adult in the house.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- October 1, 2014

Proving that it is a real pea, the vegetable had a terrible nights sleep with that Princess under the pile of mattresses. That is, until she eventually suffocated and stopped all that squirming. 

Tuesday, September 30, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- September 30, 2014

The reason Granny Francis only baked one gingerbread man was that when she made a dozen, they rose up to fight her. One, she figured she could take.

Monday, September 29, 2014

Friday, September 26, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- September 26, 2014

The two-headed turtle talked the frog and the other turtle into a ménage à trois, though it was awkward because no one could find the double headed turtle's sex organs.

Thursday, September 25, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- September 25, 2014

The baker gave the witch an estimate that the work on her roof would take only three days. However with a shortage of fondant in Germany and some additional work required on the hard candy floor due to water damage, the witch was staying in a Motel 6 for a good three weeks. Because she could only afford the cheap motel she brought home bedbugs which cost her even more to get rid rid of.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- September 24, 2014

Please don't fear the mosquito vampire. After all he can only get caught under your lose t-shirt if invited.

Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- September 23, 2014

The two mountains tried hard to separate themselves from their tantrum spewing friend. After all who gets so upset over a few dead climbers in their eyes?