Friday, February 28, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 28, 2014

At first the ostrich fell deeply in love with the mole. Before long love turned into bitterness. They couldn't go see "American Hustle" because the screen was too bright. He never wanted to go out during the day, they didn't read the same books and when it came to decorating their new apartment all he wanted for the nursery colours was grey or black. Soon the bitterness turned into sniping at him saying things like "I suppose we are going to have to get a seeing eye dog now? Like we need another mouth to feed!" Both the mole and the ostrich knew it was over.  She took the apartment, and locked the door to that unneeded nursery, soon she forgot it was there. When guests asked, she would just say, "It's an old junk closet. God knows what is in there."

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 27, 2014

The Williamson's were so annoyed by their new upstairs neighbors and the noise they made that they decided to have loud awkward sex as revenge. Unfortunately,  Mrs. Williamson laid 13,563 eggs. In the end it worked out as they just ate the eggs. I mean really, who wants to come up with that many names for kids anyway.

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 26, 2014

The amusement park was a grand success for many months, until one day a sock entered the ride and never came out. Investigations were made into the safety and maintenance of the machine, the training of the staff and the general running of the business. Even though everything met regulations, the publicity was enough to greatly thin the crowds. Those thrill seekers who still ventured to the park quickly changed their minds after witnessing the widowed sock who sat near the ride weeping and moaning every day. Eventually Mr. Tighty-Whites shut down the park and now it only lives as a distant memory of old clothes that have since been cut up for rags and talk fondly of old times as they sit under the sink.

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 25, 2014

These two teeth should have known better than to go hiking, everyone knew from the time they had come through the gum line crooked that they had a terrible sense of direction.

Lunchroom Larfs- February 24, 2014

Unlike that amusing scene in "Honey I Shrunk The Kids", this family was eaten and spent a horrific six hours traversing to the stomach where stomach acid slowly ate away at their bodies. Another 30 hours later and the diner had the worst bowel movement of his life passing those tiny bones.

Friday, February 21, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 21, 2014

The unicorn and narwhal back at the office hated when it was rhino's turn to pick up snacks. They felt he was cheap and never bought enough. The meerkat on reception, who due to the requirements of the position was unable to do a snack run, wished he could just once have a danish.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 20, 2014

The turkey had spent years luring lonely hunters to their death with the hope of meeting a friend. The turkey had developed a taste for human flesh and it was insatiable. Plus delish with cranberry sauce!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 19, 2014

Even though the pickerel, trout and sunfish played such a trick on him, the man still ate well that night. When you are that destitute even an old tire can taste okay with enough Sriracha.

Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 18, 2014

The horse in the car didn't think too hard about seeing another horse in slavery, but decided he would indeed vote democratic in the next election, as they took a tough anti-slavery stance. He didn't, he got drunk the night before and spend election day nursing his hangover in bed.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 13, 2014

The snowball fight was quickly ended and the two surviving snowmen went home and never spoke of that night again.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 12, 2014

To the casual viewer this scene may seem like the certain death of these vegetables. Not so, this is a broth being made, and thus they will only be boiled alive until scarred beyond recognition by forth degree burns.

Tuesday, February 11, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 11, 2014

It took hours of deliberation by the judges to decide if the penguins should share a gold medal or one receive a gold and the other a silver. In the end they shared the gold, which was good news for the team from Monaco who would then receive the silver. That was until it was discovered that the spikes on their shoes were 1.7 mm in diameter when the International Bobsleigh and Skeleton Federation clearly state the maximum diameter of the spikes may not be greater than 1.5 mm. The team went home humiliated and were ostracized in their home country. 

Monday, February 10, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 10, 2014

Yes, both the squid and the octopus had lied about their ability to skate before commencing their first date. They both found it charming that they had tried so hard to impress the other. Years later at their 50th anniversary they would laugh at the memory. Then a sperm whale ate them and their whole family that had gathered to celebrate.

Friday, February 7, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 7, 2014

Everyone thought Amanda was off to a magical wonderland after the rainbow boat took her away. In reality she was smothered under the sweaty pillow of a six-year-old. Her lifeless body was thrown into the trash later that night, only to be replaced by a quarter.

Thursday, February 6, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 6, 2014

Oddly, volcanoes and meteorites didn't kill off the dinosaurs. A lack of safety helmets while at play did them in.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 5, 2014

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. He didn't, because of paralysis, then falling into a coma followed by respiratory and renal failure.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Lunchroom Larfs- February 4, 2014

After a hard day of work clear cutting the forest, Biff ate his equipment and took the next day off.