Friday, January 30, 2015
Unfortunately the tall girl with the man hands was also a pencil chewer and in just a few days developed all the signs of having beaver fever, including projectile vomiting on the back of the head of the boy that sits in front of her in math.
He of course was the captain of the football team and after word got out, the girl was considered social suicide to be around. That was until just before the prom when she magically saved the boy's life and they fell in love. They spent the rest of the night dancing close together to Meatloaf's "Paradise By The Dashboard Lights" in the high-school gym ... until due to the poor ventilation system, the entire class of '94 died of Legionnaires Disease.
Thursday, January 29, 2015
The cheese won gold in Alpine skiing that year. It was a bittersweet victory as his body was sprinkled on top of over cooked spaghetti. In his place his lay-about stoner brother, a slice of American cheese, accepted his award. From that day on he wore that medal to bars every night asking innocent pieces of Gouda if they wanted to fuck a champion.
Wednesday, January 28, 2015
For quite some time the beavers were happy working for the surplus sticks and bark, then one beaver decided it was time to unionize. The workers and management played quite dirty. Old brochures for the Hudson Bay Company were left lying about the break room, while executive's desks where whittled down to nubs. This went on for months until everyone else in the world realized NO ONE NEEDS FUCKING TOOTHPICKS. Now the beavers are back in the creeks and rivers and the admin staff are filing for employment insurance.
Tuesday, January 27, 2015
The happy little germs ran and ran all day until they landed on a subway pole, which was then touched by man with obsessive compulsive disorder, who literally bathed in a bathtub of Purell three times a day. That man died penniless and in great debt as it cost $17,280 a day to fill that tub.
Wednesday, January 21, 2015
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
Monday, January 19, 2015
As I am sure you are aware, this was no accident. Cube pushed Sphere. For years Cube had been paying into a life insurance policy for Sphere. This "accident" would garner Cube a large payday, plus Cube was well aware that Sphere made Cube the beneficiary to all the royalties from Pac-Man which was based on both Sphere's image and propensity for eating colourful ghosts.
However, in a twist, Cube did not know the main ingredient in the salad Sphere had made for their picnic, but did not eat, was hemlock. In moments Cube would be paralyzed, but with a fully awake mind. Cube would put two and two together and mutter, "Well done old friend, well done" through unmoving lips, before respiratory system shut down forever.
Of course their estranged son, Cuboid, would receive all the royalties from Pac-Man and Rubik's Cube until his spouse Prism offed him with a sawed off shotgun. She was not so elegant.
Friday, January 16, 2015
If you think these cats are hungry for milk you are incorrect. They want beef. Steaks, sausage, roasts, veal, you name it. Don't be deceived by the grey cat dreaming of ice cream. That cone is made of beef jerky and that's not strawberry and chocolate. That's hamburger and cow blood. The cat with the cup wants a beef smoothie.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Worse than the pain of being hit by lightening was that his popcorn was scooped up by the store, Kernels, and seasoned with Krazy Ketchup seasoning, which of course just went stale behind the counter and was eventually thrown to disgusting pigeons in front of the store. They didn't even eat that shit.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
Not only did the fly not have benefits through his menial fast food job, but only a few short months later he was prescribed bi-focal lens. Also, the spider ate him when he picked up his bi-focals, BUT WAITED UNTIL AFTER HE HAD PAID!
Bonus: Challenge! Can you find the glasses made famous by the following people?
- Kanye West
- Elton John (hint: there are two pairs)
- John Lennon
- Plastic Man
- Dame Edna Everage
Monday, January 12, 2015
The pencil was quite happy that his friend the pen stood up for him and cut that dumb eraser down to size. However, the power trip that it gave pen made him mean. Even though he still loved and was proud to have been able to help his friend against a bully, he couldn't resist saying, "You know you have one of those nasty little things right on top of your head don't you? Hypocrite!"
Friday, January 9, 2015
You shouldn't feel too badly for the little ice cube, for he followed the Hindu faith and believed he would be reincarnated as a higher form. However, he was a real prick in this life to the other cubes in his tray and ended up coming back as a tape worm.
Thursday, January 8, 2015
Wednesday, January 7, 2015
After this incident caught the cookie world off guard, all the cookie governments combined their resources to gather the greatest ginger minds to keep their world safe from these giant creatures they dubbed Kai-jujubes. Giant mechanical warriors called Jaw-breagers were created to fight this menace. This was accomplished by using a giant fucking sword to chop the monster's head clean off.