Monday, March 30, 2015
Bulimia and anorexia are the number one and two preventable diseases affecting young skeletons today. We can help. Remember it's not the outside, or in this case inside that makes a person beautiful, it's their heart... or their aura maybe? Anyway, think twice before you call a skeleton big boned. It's hurtful and cruel.
Friday, March 27, 2015
The water droplet, now cloud was so angry he kept raining thus creating quite a few areas of standing water. This in turn created a breeding ground for mosquitoes, who because of the plasmodium virus quickly infected humans with malaria resulting in a number of deaths equal to that of the population of Baltimore. Whose team, the Orioles haven't been in the World Series since 1983, so fuck them anyway.
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Tuesday, March 24, 2015
The snake thought that if one power tie would give him the edge in the job market, and make him seem strong and intimidating, four ties would make him unstoppable. It didn't work, he didn't get the job. What he forgot was that his venom spewing gland would take him everywhere he wanted to go.
Medusa is often misunderstood as a hideous Gorgon. Truth be told, she was the very definition of "hangry". Once she had a sandwich in her, she was a pussy cat. There was only one other time she got that upset, that was whenever her hair started to molt, giving her a wickedly bad split ends.
Monday, March 23, 2015
Friday, March 13, 2015
Thursday, March 12, 2015
The toothbrush was always attracted to new and fresh toiletries. He knew that he still had a good three months left before he was going be finished. He had already cut from his life and memory so many toothpaste tubes and slivers of soap that he couldn't even count them all. Little did he know though that tomorrow while reaching for the tap his user would knock him to the floor and with little more than a turned up nose and a eulogy of, 'Ick" would be thrown into the trash can himself. As he sat in the can awaiting collection day he thought back to all those he had shunned due to their natural end approaching and shed a tear. He was thoroughly ashamed of himself. "Why couldn't I have been a nail brush? They never get thrown out, ever," he said to himself.
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
It's okay everyone, the vampire has sickle cell anemia. He just likes to cut out the middle man and go directly to the source. Before he was turned he felt the same way about his organic tomatoes and would make a 3-hour drive to a tomato farm every weekend. It wasn't lost time though, he hit a lot of antique dealers on the way. That's why he already had a Gothic coffin. In hind sight that might have been a higher power providing some foreshadowing.
Tuesday, March 10, 2015
Sure the lion felt great right after leaving the salon, but in the morning she woke up with the same mangy mane she always had. She greatly regretted not hitting the clubs the night before when she was looking her best, to pick up some young alpha male. But then again, no amount of hairstyling would make up for the fact she was a terrible racist, and thus undateable.
Monday, March 9, 2015
Friday, March 6, 2015
What the bear didn't realize was these bees produced their honey from rhododendrons, which resulted in Grayanotoxin giving the bear "honey intoxication". The bear subsequently suffered low blood pressure, shock, heart rhythm irregularities, and convulsions which resulted in his death. The bear died at the age of 27, which of course entered him in the 27 Club alongside Jim Morrison, Jimi Hendrix and Kurt Cobain. The bear entered legendary status and his song "Honey, honey I will fuck you up for some bitchin' honey" became a defining anthem for a generation of young musician bears.
Thursday, March 5, 2015
The fisherman should consider himself lucky as the fish he caught was riddled with mercury. That mercury infected fish was later caught by a commercial fishing boat and sold to a fine restaurant. There, a new mother ate it, and then passed the mercury on to her breastfeeding newborn girl, who grew up and passed it to her daughter through breast milk. The cycle continued from there. And that folks, is how the fish carefully sacrificed 10% of their population in order to extinguish the human race and create a true Water World albeit sans Kevin Costner.
Wednesday, March 4, 2015
Tuesday, March 3, 2015
One day, the carrots tired of being skinned and scalped, joined together to fight back. One brave carrot volunteered for the mission that would mean his certain death. He turned the peeler on himself and sharpened his end into a stake. In the middle of the night he snuck into the man's room and drove himself through the chef's heart. He perished soon afterwards, as he was a perishable (!). But to this day from crispers all over this great land you can still hear the haunting refrain of 'The Ballad of Francis Carrot, The Bravest Carrot Of The All." Every baby carrot is taught the song in Kindergarten.
Side Note: My eldest was thinking about this cartoon as she fell asleep and said, "Why didn't the human wonder why those carrots are standing up?" Touche!