Thursday, April 30, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 30, 2015

Sure the shoe salesman saw trouble coming when the caterpillar entered his store. He quickly convinced the insect that cheap shoes were the way to go, after all in about 4 weeks she'll only need six shoes. This really just pushed the work onto the caterpillar's podiatrist who then spent hours and hours removing painful plantar warts and bunions from the caterpillars feet, who incidentally had no medical insurance. Karma caught up with the shoe salesman soon after as a goddamned millipede with mismatched shoe sizes.

Tuesday, April 28, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 28, 2015

The little house was lauded as a hero to dwellings the world over for standing up to the treacherous tornado.  Due to all the attention it was soon discovered the house was built without a building permit. It was immediately torn down and a Starbucks put in it's place. Uppity condos in the neighborhood would often comment, "That's why I would never choose to be a standalone. He got what he deserved."

Monday, April 27, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 27, 2015

Now, what the man didn't know was that clouds rain when they are sad. He should have reminded the cloud of how its mother had died after being sucked into the turbine of a 747 leaving him an orphan, which would then trigger his memory of being a sky urchin and pickpocketing passing parachutists under the tutelage of Cloud Fagin. Tickling only makes clouds urinate.

Friday, April 24, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 24, 2015

The little brick felt out of place once he fell from the wall, but his discomfort was short lived. Soon he found himself at home in the warm lobby of an abortion clinic whose window he had been hurled through. Shortly thereafter he found himself incarcerated in the evidence room of the police station. Sadly he became the main bitch to a group of spray paint cans used by Banksy.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 23, 2015

And out of unconscious habit the barber still held a mirror up behind where the customer's head would have been. And out of unconscious habit the customer nodded his head and muttered "looks good" without really registering how it looked.

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 22, 2015

The snowman was saved for yet another day, but after a few months of life support he found himself in great debt. It was then that he opted for euthanasia. Dr. Jack Kevorkian arrived with hair dyer in hand.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 21, 2015

From this point on the world, other than a lucky few in Vermont had to eat their pancakes with *gag, choke* something called "table syrup". Or as true connoisseurs call it. "vomit in a bottle".

Monday, April 20, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 20, 2015

You scream, I scream, we all scream for decapitated ice cream! Happy 4/20 stoners. Hope I gave you weird dreams.

Friday, April 17, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 17, 2015

While looking at this cartoon I want you to remember the Hamsterdance Song and use that general sound for the Mission Impossible theme. That will be in your head for weeks. You are welcome.

Thursday, April 16, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 16, 2015

The aliens held a grudge against Earthlings after episodes of The OC were beamed through space. Sure they enjoyed the first few seasons, but unlike the rest of us who just sort of forgot about it after after a couple of years they continued to watch. So upset with the human race's drama and obvious disdain for one another they decided to annihilate the planet.

If they had only watched Family Ties past the credits each week and saw Ubu the dog they would have been alerted to the dangers of canines on earth and their choice of design for their spaceship. 

Wednesday, April 15, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 15, 2015

Now it was very nice for the mother to help the boy in need, but it caused complete havoc with her phone lines. After this she lost dial tone and had to call Bell to come repair the line. Due to her busy schedule she had to jump through hoops to clear a 5 hour block of time for the repairman's visit.

The next day she sat started in hour one by cleaning up the house. Hour two, she did some baking. Hour three, was used to go through her filing cabinet and shred old outdated documents. Hour four was spent looking out the window every ten minutes wondering when "that bastard would arrive". Hour five was spend pacing the floor and cursing as at the end of that hour she would have to pick her husband up at the airport who was getting off a seventeen hour flight from Dubai and would be too tired and delirious from the anxiety drugs (he had a crippling fear of flying) to even call a taxi. 

The repairman came 5 minutes to the end of that five hour window. When the mother explained that she had to leave the repairman stated he could not do the work as he needed access to the house. The mother then fixed the problem herself by strangling the repairman with a phone cord. The son never left anywhere without trying to use the bathroom again, especially after visiting his mother in jail.

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 14, 2015

Sure the Genie couldn't find his way home, but he quickly realized a loophole. He rubbed another lamp then made his wish to take over that Genie's lamp. Then in turn, that Genie did the same thing. It's similar to stolen bike seats. You replace yours by stealing someone else's.

By the way, that guy who wished for a piece of cake is a true weirdo. he should have wished for a whole cake. Idiot!

Monday, April 13, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 13, 2015

Though true that Henry should have been regarded as a hero by capturing the first two infected thus stopping the zombie apocalypse before it had a chance to really take hold. Many found it hard to justify him killing his two neighbors and mailman in order to bait his trap. Henry did argue the additional two brains were in case the first trap malfunctioned, he didn't want to be scrambling around for another.

Friday, April 10, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 10, 2015

The cake jumped to his death, thinking it might be the less painful way to go. At the reception after his funeral there was no dessert served out of respect. However, many of the mourners stopped at local diners for a bite afterwards, only to be embarrassingly discovered by other family members also enjoying some cake. No one could help themselves.

Thursday, April 9, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 9, 2015

The man who was fishing using a rod and reel enjoyed his shark tacos that night, but every time he ate a bite he was reminded of his business partner Christian, who was supposedly also vacationing in the tiny village where he was staying. He was surprised they hadn't run into each other yet. "It's too bad," he thought, "Something tells me Christian would have taken to these tacos right away."

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 8, 2015

Much like sports cars to middle aged men, birds resting on pirate's shoulders are there to compensate for penis size. The interesting thing to note is that the pirate with the small green bird actually is missing 3/4 of his penis due to a shark attack. In it's place is a wooden stake. His favorite joke is to wake up at dawn and say, "I've got mornin' wood!"

He's gross.

Tuesday, April 7, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 7, 2015

Dentists and Insulin Developers were quite depressed that year when the Easter Bunny's bloated, hole ridden carcass showed up being partially devoured by hogs on a farm in Western Ohio. 

Thursday, April 2, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- April 2, 2015

Don't feel too badly for the plucky, determined and optimistic tomato. Later in the day a person carrying groceries home dropped a bag spilling both vinegar and sugar on the squashed fruit. Then just a few minutes late another person dropped a couple of french fries. Then just an hour later a toddler walked by and ate them. This made that toddler's day. Why a toddler was walking unsupervised is a whole other question. But we aren't focusing on a potential amber alert here, we are talking about an anthropomorphic tomato.