Friday, May 29, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 29, 2015

Though with the head of a man, and the haunches of a lion, the Great Sphinx of Giza had the feces of a middle aged truck drivers whose diet consisted mainly of fast food and cheap beer.

Thursday, May 28, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 28, 2015

Since the death of printed media Superman had been struggling. His alter ego Clark Kent couldn't get a job to save his life. Not like that little bastard Spiderman who was a "photojournalist" and would always be in demand as a result of how quickly the public ate up online photo heavy media.

Superman needed a paycheck, after all the Fortress of Solitude wasn't going to pay it's own electricity bill. Thus, Superman resorted to babysitting gigs, but often didn't get repeat work as a result of situations like this one.

Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 27, 2015

Most of the fruits and vegetables agreed that if they were going to go to the big Bodega in the sky this was the way to go. Except the corn on the cob, who lodged himself sideways halfway down choking the giraffe. He was a spiteful and hateful little cob.

Tuesday, May 26, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 26, 2015

It was horrifying at first for the potted flowers, but the worst came when the shriveled up dead flowers were eaten by the cat and then vomited back up in front of them. It was so disgusting, the two live flowers threw up pollen everywhere.

Monday, May 25, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 25, 2015

Having not learned his lesson about the mysterious magical library where books come to life and mimic their subject matter, Billy takes out a number of books about velociraptors. Soon the small town of Merrickville must defend itself from rampaging books out for blood. Coming this summer from the producers of Night at The Museum!

Friday, May 22, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 22, 2015

It was at that point that Robert Pickton decided that pigs were the way to go, rather than dogs.

Thursday, May 21, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 21, 2015

Thinking he successfully scared off the only mouse, Francis later enjoyed his cheese in peace. During this snack he ingested quite a bit of mouse urine and feces, and developed Hantavirus Pulmonary Syndrome. His lungs filled with fluid and he essentially drowned. But man, that was was some good Emmenta cheese and well worth the cost.

Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 20, 2015

This would have been a just a ridiculous mistake that the painter would laugh about years later, except it was a lead based paint that decreased his sperm count to such a degree that he could never impregnate a woman himself. He was a newlywed and his bride was excited to start a family. She eventually left him for a Nigerian man, who are known to be the most fertile men in the world. She ended up with seven children, while the painter only gave birth to a dependency on whiskey and poppers.

Tuesday, May 19, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 18, 2015

In the end all the fighting didn't matter. A freak whirlpool sucked up both boats and made a delicious smoothy for a passing Kraken.

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 14, 2015

Though the bear and rabbit had been friends for years, the wanton destruction of the bears hand made scrapbook of Boyz II Men was his breaking point. Immediately following cleaning up the mess the bear turned the makeshift broom upside down and ate the rabbit like a Creamsicle. By which I mean, he licked the rabbit a couple of times before biting through to get to the delicious vanilla filling.

Wednesday, May 13, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 13, 2015

The little girls kite flying plan worked like a charm, until the rain came. She was then electrocuted.

Tuesday, May 12, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 12, 2015

The lice were quite jealous of their cousin's, the flea's, very popular circus. The lice worked night and day to perfect their various skills. After only a few months of rehearsals they had surpassed the agility, expertise and pure entertainment value of all other circuses. The problem was no one wanted to see lice performing. The embittered Phthiraptera rushed the flea's tents in a envious rage and burned them to the ground, which also resulted in the deaths of three cats and six dogs.

Monday, May 11, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 11, 2015

Like many parents the mother snake got frustrated with nagging her snakelings to clean up after themselves. As she started picking up the shed skins she became aware that the teenage boy snakes had been using them for masturbation. This is made all the more disgusting when you consider that the mother snake doesn't have hands to pick things up with.

Friday, May 8, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 8, 2015

The spiteful flower in the pot got his comeuppance a couple of days later when a toddler knocked over his pot and he dried out in the sun.

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 7, 2015

Jerry the Turtle was getting ready for his date with Susan the Garter Snake. Things had progressed in their relationship and tonight was the night he planned to ask her hand in marriage. He really should have called in his best friend, Sammy the Gay Salamander for advice on what to wear, because at every anniversary celebration pictures of that night would be displayed and people would snicker at his choice of the racing stripes shell.

Wednesday, May 6, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 6, 2015

After studying fencing at Heidelberg University in Germany for many years, Udon was confident that he could take on any contender. Sadly he underestimated the chop stick skills of Hank, the privileged white man who pretended to be worldly because he could use chopsticks.

Posthumously, Udon got his revenge when Hank swallowed his sabre and required a tracheostomy performed utilizing his own chopstick.  

Monday, May 4, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 4, 2015

After overthrowing the government of Pillow Land, the children named themselves leaders and enslaved it's citizens as forts and hats. The Pillow Land people, had always been pacifists and staged sit-ins and peaceful protests. Each time there was a complaint, the tyrannical new leaders would react in the exact same way, by flipping them over to their cool sides and sending them on their way. 

It wasn't long until Pillow Land people resorted to self-immolation. Those stuffed with polyester created a dreadful smell.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Lunchroom Larfs- May 1, 2015

Ironically, due to their attire the zebra and leopard were considered cougars.